Sometimes I feel like words are so inadequate to express what I’m feeling.
Right now is one of those times.
I just can’t explain how happy it makes me to feel like a normal person.
To not be consumed with my past and my issues constantly.
To be a person outside of all that!!
It’s a part of me –
But it doesn’t define me!
That’s not me!
There’s so much more to me.
I’m a person, I’m a real person, with value!
I matter. (okay, that’s still a little scary)
I’m…just like anyone else.
I’m not invisible.
I’m not nothing.
I’m not worthless.
I have a voice!
I HAVE A VOICE!!
I just…can’t explain how good it makes me feel to be noticed. For people to see me and talk to me, acknowledge me, say hi to me!! I’m not invisible, I’m a real person, I exist!
I’m starting to show up.
And it’s scary, but I’m trying really hard to not go into my blank-face when I see people. The whole “I don’t see you, you don’t see me” thing, left over from the days of middle school bullies. It’s especially difficult when it comes to guys – they scare me more than girls! – but I’m trying really hard. Somehow, I think subconsciously I still have that “middle school bully” image stuck in my head when it comes to seeing guys walking around campus. I’m afraid of them seeing me. But the guys here aren’t scary, they’re not my middle school bullies.
(Before I go into another negative tangent, let’s get this thing turned around – I was writing about being happy, remember?)
I’m making a conscious effort to not go into the middle-school-blank-face. Making a conscious effort to talk to people, even just say hi. Making a conscious effort to use people’s names.
I feel like…I’m real again. I’m not invisible anymore. I’m real, people see me, I show up!
And sometimes, it’s just so wonderful and amazing that it makes me want to cry. I feel alive again.
I feel alive again!
God is so good.