I want you to read…but I’m scared.

I had an interesting dream last night. Many times I don’t remember my dreams, or remember only bits and pieces, but sometimes I’ll have these dreams that just stick with me after I wake up, and they always seem to offer some sort of insight into what’s going on in my life. I like how my subconscious does stuff like that!

The setting of last night’s dream was the control room where I’ve been running sound for the plays for the past few weeks. That makes a lot of sense to me, not only because I’ve been spending so much time there, but because it’s become a “safe place” for me. [As I’ve mentioned before, feeling safe and “safe” things are very important to me.] In fact, when thinking about “safe places” lately, the basement of Totino (the control room, black box, etc.) is the first place that comes to mind. So it makes sense for that to be the setting of my dream, to represent feeling safe and being in a safe place.

So I was in the control room, and I was talking with someone (representing, I believe, my new theater friends). I had this stack of papers – it looked like my Relationships project, a bunch of my writing, held together with a binder clip. A lot of very personal writing. And this friend I was talking with asked to see it. I hesitated, and the friend said maybe I didn’t want to share it and that was okay.

And this is the biggest thing I remember from the dream: “But I do want you to read it, I want to share it…but at the same time…I’m scared of letting anyone read it.”

And then I handed it over.

I’ve been thinking about that all day – “I want you to read it…but I’m scared.”

That’s just how I feel about this blog, and especially linking the posts on facebook. Admittedly, not everyone can see the links on facebook – I have a list of people, mostly relatives, that I’ve blocked from my links – but the majority of my facebook friends can.

If I wanted to, I could make it so fewer people saw my links. I’ve thought about it. Because the stuff I write on here is so honest and personal. Letting people read this blog means exposing a very vulnerable part of me to the world. Sharing things that have so often been deep, dark secrets in my life – my thoughts, my beliefs, my feelings, especially in regards to myself.

And sometimes I wonder, why am I doing this? Why am I putting this part of myself out on the internet for all to see? Shouldn’t it stay private? Or at least within only a group of my closest friends? Sometimes I worry that it makes me look attention-seeking – and as a recovering self-injurer, that feels like one of the worst, most shameful things anyone could call me. [I have a whole rant on how that label is not even valid, but I won’t go into it now!] Why would I have spent so many years and so much energy hiding things if I was just looking for attention?

Here’s the conclusion I’ve come to at this point: in the Big Red Book of ACA, it talks about the dysfunctional family rules of “Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel, don’t remember.” I’ve lived by those rules for so long. This blog is one of my ways of breaking those rules. I will talk about these things, I will trust people to be understanding and not use this information to hurt me, I will feel and stop hiding my feelings, I will remember and I will write about what I remember.

These things have stayed hidden away in the dark for far too long, and this blog is about bringing them out into the light. That can even be seen in the title of my blog. By the grace of God, I am bringing these secrets out of the darkness and into the light.

Bit of a tangent, maybe, but “grace” is also the meaning of my name. I don’t think my parents thought about that when they named me, nor did they think about the meaning of my middle name – “consecrated to God.” But that has become so, so meaningful to me. It’s evidence to me that God has had His hand on my life from the very beginning, which is one of those things I will never be able to completely comprehend. It’s so amazing. [Something else to talk about in a later post…]

So yeah…I write this blog, and I share it, to take those dark, vulnerable parts of me and bring them out into the light. [have I posted my poem “palette of emotions” yet? I’m not sure. It should be on my facebook, if I haven’t. I’ll be putting it up here eventually.] God can’t very well use them if they’re hidden in the dark, but He can work through my weakness and pain once I allow Him to shine His light on it.

I’m tired of living in darkness, hiding in darkness. It’s lonely and it’s miserable. By God’s grace, I am stepping out into the light again. It’s going to take some getting used to, and yes, it is scary. But it’s good. [Hm, now I’m reminded of Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave.” I should write a post on that sometime too. Ah, good times in high school with Mrs. Mattson and Mr. Kraftson!]

So yes. I will continue to link my posts on facebook. If you can see it, you’re welcome to read it. I want people to read it. You’re welcome to comment, if you’d like. I’m always interested in people’s reactions to my writing – especially if it somehow relates to your own story. I love hearing people’s stories – it is so amazing to hear how unique and yet how similar each person’s story is. And every single one is valuable and important and all a part of God’s larger story, and finding connections in them all is just so awesome. Anyway, I won’t think it’s weird if you comment, even if you barely know me, or don’t even know me at all. I’ll think it’s cool, trust me.

I put this out on facebook because I want you to read it. At the same time…I’m scared. I’m scared of anyone reading it, because I’ve been hurt so many times by people [read: my dad] taking my words or feelings and twisting them around to get an advantage over me. I’m doing my best to be smart about this while not being overly cautious. I’m trusting that God will use my writing, and that He will protect me. And if I do get hurt, He will bring me through it, as He has so many times before.

God is good. I have a feeling I’m going to be using that phrase a lot on this blog, but I’m okay with that, because it’s true. God is so good.

This entry was posted in NWC, Recovery, Summer Stock in April, Theater. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I want you to read…but I’m scared.

  1. Emmy says:

    Your in control in a control room. You flip switches and things happen as they are supposed too.

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