So, two days ago I wrote a post about how far I’ve come in the past 9 years, and here I am now, about to write a post that shows how far I still have to go. *sigh* Yay honesty?
It’s been a lousy week, honestly. I haven’t gone to class or chapel at all, I’ve barely left my room, much less my apartment. I’ve managed to make it outside a couple of times, go get something to eat, sit at a park for a little while – so that’s good, I guess. Afraid to go over to campus though, or anywhere I might run into people that know me.
So here I am, sitting on my bed, eating junk food, sleeping, and wasting time on the internet. I feel lazy, weak, and absolutely pathetic. I’m angry at myself because I feel like if I were just stronger, more disciplined, I’d be able to make myself do my homework and go to class. So the only reason I’m still sitting here is because I’m not trying hard enough.
Gotta love anxiety. *sigh*
And you know what triggered it? My new favorite class. And I hate that. I hate it when things that I love make me anxious. I hate it when I get anxious about good things. It’s so frustrating. I don’t want to be anxious about things that are good. But sometimes they’re just overwhelming and too much and I freak out and run away and hide in my room.
See, on Friday in class we talked about our dances. I got a lot of good feedback on mine. Some really touching compliments and some good constructive criticism. And while you might think that it was the criticism that freaked me out, it wasn’t. It was the compliments.
And I don’t know how I’m going to explain this in a way that people will understand, but I’m going to try.
There’s part of me that tries so hard to fade into the background. To be invisible. To be silent. To take up as little space as possible.
There’s a part of me that’s terrified of anyone seeing me, really seeing me. Sometimes it’s easier to just pretend that they don’t see me at all. To pretend that I’m not real, that I don’t really exist. Sometimes the thought of existing, of being real and solid and noticeable, freaks me out.
Before I go any farther with this, I want to reassure you that I’m not delusional or anything. Logically, I know that I exist, that I am real, that I am solid, that I am not invisible, and people can see me. I’m speaking metaphorically here. Sort of. See why I said it was hard to explain?
It’s a complex issue. I can’t even sort it all out in my head. There’s part of me that wants to be seen and noticed, and then there’s part of me that’s terrified of it. I’m afraid of both being hurt and hurting others. It’s all mixed up in there together, and I can’t separate it out. But I know that right now, I’ve got a really strong fear of being seen and being known.
And in class on Friday, when people were talking about my dance, I guess I got freaked out because I knew that they saw me while I was dancing, not just literally saw me up on stage, but deeper than that. And yes, that was the intent, so that’s good, and hearing that my dance affected people made me feel amazing, but at the same time, it scared me. It made me want to run and hide, somewhere where nobody could see me anymore.
So here I am. In my room. Hiding.
And I hate it that I do this. I hate it that things affect me like this. Especially when it’s stuff that should be good and happy and shouldn’t freak me out! Do you know how frustrating it is to be scared of something that you enjoy? There’s nothing wrong with the class, nobody’s done anything wrong to make me feel this way, it’s just my own issues coming up and making things difficult as usual. I’m scared of so many things that I simultaneously love. And how does that work? (Not very well, I can tell you that!) And sometimes I can get past the fear, and sometimes the fear isn’t even there, but then sometimes it is, and sometimes I can’t get past it, and all I can do is sit in my room and hide and feel like an irresponsible, lazy, weak, pathetic loser. Like it’s all in my head and if I just pushed a little harder, I’d be able to get over it. *sigh*
Here’s hoping I can manage to make it to class tomorrow, hm?