Been thinking a lot lately. I have a lot to write about, but it’ll mostly probably have to wait till Christmas break. But a friend wrote a blog post that reminded me of a poem I wrote a couple of years ago, and I wanted to share it. It relates to some of the stuff I’ve been thinking about.
(Also, my Biblical Counseling class has me thinking a lot about self-talk, and I’ve realized once again how sad it makes me feel to hear other people saying terrible things to/about themselves…how much it makes me just want to give them a hug and tell them that it’s not true and somehow make them believe that it’s not true. Why do I feel this compassion for others but not for myself? Why am I different? And could it be that others feel the same way when they hear me sharing my self-talk as well? Food for thought… Anyway. Poem.)
Wishing I knew how to do this whole “friendship” thing.
Sometimes I feel like I’m hopelessly awkward.
Sitting in my room alone, because I don’t know what else to do.
When I try, I just make a fool of myself, more often than not.
I’ve spent so much time alone —
I don’t know how to be with people anymore.
I’ve spent so much time silent —
I don’t know how to talk anymore.
I’ve become so used to this rut I’m stuck in,
I don’t know how to escape.
All of these beliefs, directly opposed to the idea
Of me having friends.
Why would I talk?
I have nothing to say worth hearing.
Such a low view of myself —
Walking around apologizing to the world for my existence.
I am nobody, I don’t matter, I am less-than-human.
I am…not real.
In my mind, as soon as I walk away, I am forgotten,
I cease to exist.
Never given a second thought.
People have plenty of friends already.
Why would they need me,
Or even want to know me?
So I just figure that no one does.
It’s just the way life is.
But I get so lonely sometimes…
And I wish it wasn’t this way.
Wish I could believe that it was different,
Could be different.
Wish I could believe
That people actually wanted to get to know me,
To spend time with me,
To be my friend.
Remembering the time I was told once that someone did.
At the beginning of the year, I really wanted to be friends with you.
But you wouldn’t talk to me!
I was so frustrated, because I felt like I just couldn’t connect with you.
I was talking with one of the girls about it, and she said,
“Oh, she just opened up to us a bunch at Bible study last night.”
And I was like,
“Why doesn’t she talk to ME?!”
I had no idea —
Sometimes I wonder if it’s the same now, if maybe —
People do want to be my friend,
But I’m so stuck in this fear, this isolation,
These — dare I say — lies…
That I just can’t see it,
Just like I didn’t see it then.
If it’s true,
I hope they will be patient…
As that friend of mine told me later,
It took a long time to get to know you, Anna.
But it was totally worth the wait.